Do You Hear Fireworks?

I do! That is because I just found out I got the library job I wanted, after a year of discouraging setbacks and working at jobs that don’t pay a living wage. In fact, I think I see fireworks too! I am humbled, thrilled and grateful! I was SO sick of looking for jobs, sending out resumes, designing cover letters and filling out applications that I know human eyes would never see. I was tired of selling myself, feeling insecure, and trying to convince myself I was not a loser because I was under-employed. And I was really tired of complaining about this!

Funny thing though… it wasn’t until I started believing I was valuable and letting go of outcomes, that things began to turn around. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it turned out to be true. In January I had gotten accepted into a retraining program with a generous grant towards a bio-medical certificate. I had done this type of work early on in my career. In the midst of this class I realized I was no longer willing to fake it, no matter how well it paid. It was an interesting  course and I loved the instructor but hated the culture and started to feel sick every time I looked at the syllabus. Finally I told my counselor/mentor that I had decided to drop the class. I wasn’t being true to myself. I made the decision out of desperation and fear but it was the wrong direction for me to take. The day after I dropped the course, and withdrew from the program, I was sent a job profile for the library district position (that just hired me), at almost double what I have been making, including benefits!

I decided to apply (on the deadline) and used a friend, as a reference, that I knew used to work for this library. It was an easy process and I felt relaxed and confident. I got an interview within days! After I received the job offer I called my friend to thank her for being such a great reference and she told me that she hadn’t had time to contact them. I had gotten this on my own merits. That is the real miracle.

It has been almost a year since I left Iowa to return to my beloved Colorado. My detour to Portland was part of this process and I couldn’t have gotten to this acceptance of who I am, with out my time there. I want to thank all my wonderful friends, family and bloggers who have encouraged me in the last year and cheered me on. You have inspired and challenged me, and I am so fond of you.

This is not the job I expected to end up with, but I am happy to experience another part of the library world. I am beside myself with excitement that I will be talking about books again with people of all ages. So I have to learn to drive a 25,000 lb bus?! This is my own little library on wheels, that I get to share with communities who don’t have one in their back yard. Something I take for granted. Think of the excitement? Think of the adventures? The stories you will hear?  Starting with learning to park said bus in it’s long, narrow garage. I’m trying not to think about that yet.

I know all my insecurities won’t magically float away because of this job. I have been healing old wounds in the past year and learning to look at myself in new ways- like giving myself a break, cutting me some slack. Geesh, women can be hard on themselves! This experience goes a long way in reminding me that taking risks is a good thing. Not easy, but good.