I decided I need to focus on a clean slate every day. Expecting a whole new year hasn’t worked out that great thus far. I’ve had way too many life lessons lately. Spiritual growth sucks sometimes, but the benefits outweigh the trauma… or so I’m told. I’m taking their word for it. I was catching up on my blog reading at Enchanted Seashells, minding my own business, when I read the one about the courtship between the Captain and Rosebud. I felt the tears welling up.
Today is my wedding anniversary to my Former Husband (FH), which technically is the anniversary of the end of our marriage when you think about it. I don’t want to feel sad. I forget more and more every day that I was married. It’s like women have to count everything! Or is it, keep track? Pounds, birthdays, weddings, death. I hear widowers say, all the time, how long a loved one has been gone, or what birthday it would have been. Do men keep track like that?
Expectations take a lot of energy. The more I expect of myself the more I expect of others. Hmmm? That brings me to ambition. I am finding the realities of my energy control my ambitions. I don’t have the time to read every blog or respond the way I would like to. When I was unemployed that was easier, and enjoyable. Now I play catch up.
I didn’t have the time to respond to a blogging award recently that Clanmother nominated me for. I don’t feel ambitious enough to expand my reader base. I need to be in the moment and let myself off the hook, so I can let others off the hook? Funny how that works. Expectations will always beckon.
I am going to encourage a theme for myself this year. JOY. That will be my pursuit. Giving it and receiving it. Receiving, opening myself up is the challenge. If I break it down to a daily goal instead of a yearly one, it’s doable. Little expectations, little footprints instead of big ones.
I don’t have a problem being alone but I like having a purpose. My new job has given me that, and I love it more every day. It’s not a long term solution to health insurance, but it is more than enough for the journey, today. I’ve decided to re-frame January 2 into my anniversary of JOY. It’s time to let FH and me off the hook.
I read an amazing book by Juliette Fay, called The Shortest Way Home. Her stories remind me of Karen White’s writing, which I really enjoy. The main character of this book is a man named Sean who has grown weary of nursing in third world countries and is called home to Belham, Mass. to deal with his family in crisis.
He discovers that he has been avoiding his own issues by taking care of others. Care taking at it’s best (there is a reason that it’s the basis for co-dependency) and it’s developed beautifully in this story. I loved all the complexities woven through out this novel while teaching about Huntington’s disease, sensory disorder in his young nephew, and the specter of a genetically inherited disease hanging over your head. I seldom read books written by women about male heroes but Fay does an excellent job. I had to go check out her first book, Shelter Me, which also takes place in the same town. I read some time ago Deep Down True, liked it as well, but it didn’t have the impact this book did.
I’m in process of packing up after a three week stint house/dog sitting and begin the tedious process of schlepping stuff back home. I will miss Zippy’s sweet, black-button eyes and his devoted patter every where I go. I won’t miss his obsession with paper products, however. Another way to spell his name?