I don’t have one. Isn’t it wonderful?! For most of you who know me well, this is unheard of. It all started when this perfectly legitimite question was asked of me a few days ago. It threw me into turmoil. You know, churning stomach, anxiety, sweaty palms. I went to a meeting Monday and some wise women talked me down. They asked me three questions. 1) Is NOT having a plan normal for you? 2) Has it caused you problems in the past? 3) Why do you HAVE to have one? The answer to the first two were no. The last one halted me in my tracks. I’ve been trying to force a long term plan and it’s not working.
I have the opportunity to do things differently. If T and B hadn’t brought me here and let me cocoon for a bit I wouldn’t be able to explore anything. I will never be able to thank them enough for that. I have resisted going with my gut because I’m not SUPPOSED to do it this way, what will people think? What IF? I’m not getting any younger…exactly. It’s uncomfortable sitting with uncomfortable but that is the only way the outcome can be different. Jumping in would only get me more of the same. Stuck. I realized that I feel guilty and flakey not having a long range plan. I have had these fears my entire life. What if I end up divorced, 58, jobless, and homeless? That is exactly where I’m at. I like to tackle everything all at once and get it out of the way.
What happens when you face your fears by experiencing them? Well I’m still breathing. I told a couple of my loved ones that I’m not afraid of living in a shelter if that is what it would take for me to live independently. They kind of freak, but it’s true. Things I once thought were everything turned into…things. Meaningless things. This has been a MAJOR break through for me. Life changing HUGE. I have turned a corner that I will never pass again.
I got here because a friend that I have known longer than anyone, even family, allowed me to whine, cry and be flakey. NOW that’s friendship at it’s best! I know I’ve annoyed and irritated her at times, (I’ve annoyed and irritated ME) she’s a planner by trade and she works long and hard but we are very different. She is in a committed, happy, long term marriage, I am not any longer and have no one to answer to. I kinda like it now that I’m getting used to it.
A new person is emerging and I’m not sure who she is yet, or what she wants. I do know that I can clean houses, take excellent care of children and animals, dissect rats, work retail, cook, I can practice phlebotomy, microbiology lab assisting, start book clubs, volunteer, elder care, work in a green house, study horticulture, get people excited about reading, shelve and check out books in a library, use the computer, pass a class and make good grades, be a good wife and mom, steadfast friend, blog, and most recently, walk by myself. I am a sum of all these parts. The sooner I give myself permission to be flakey and not have a plan, the sooner this phase will pass. I’ll be sure and keep you posted on what being without a plan feels like day to day. Thanks friends for not being afraid to ask the question.