My Special Place

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I was pleasantly amazed at the turn around my day has had. I got up feeling crummy after a poor night’s sleep and it was pouring rain. I am feeling discouraged, I miss my kids, a job, and a car. The usual. How did I end up here? Oh yeah… I CHOSE this! I started wading through the job sites I check every day and started on  homework. The next thing I know I hear snoring. Mine. I guess I’d better sit at the table.” Practice some discipline Marsella”, I hear myself say, to me.

I decided to go check the mail. This is the second most exciting time of my day until grownups arrive. THE most exciting is taking Bianca on a long walk. I average 5-6 a week depending on the weather. Bianca gets antsy after lunch in anticipation. I was annoyed we wouldn’t be able to go beyond the mailbox with the weather. I get Ms. Bianca harnessed up and out we go across the street. Much to my surprise I discovered the clouds were breaking up and it was breezy and pleasant. My mood starts to lift. I drop off the mail, change out of my sandals and off Ms. B. and I go. It was heaven! We were alone on the trail and not many souls at the park either. Last night there were 3 baseball games going and it was a noisy zoo. I didn’t enjoy it. Today more than made up for it.

I love this little trail. It is my spiritual time for processing. A few days ago I cried my way to the park: safe in the knowledge no one would hear me. As long as we keep moving Bianca could care less, this is her doggie time. I always feel better after I finish the trail. It’s a leafy, shaded bower where I feel protected. It’s a place where I can breathe deep and question and analyze everything I do or don’t do. It’s where I can own liking it here and acknowledge wanting to make a home for myself and possibly my kids if they want to migrate at some point. It’s where I remind myself that I don’t have to know all the answers and it’s ok to be where I am, life isn’t fair, yadda, yadda.

Today my last born turns 21 in Colorado. He and I were laughing because my laptop date was a day off and I posted a greeting on facebook yesterday instead. There are so many built in moments to laugh at ourselves, and there will always be time for tears.  Life isn’t always a balance between the two. I’m striving for heavy on the laughter please! I feel a lot better than I did this morning although nothing has really changed. I get to enjoy a simple meal with my niece J. tonight, I have great friends and family and Bianca has bonded with me in a way she never would have because of those walks. I adore this dog, an unexpected gift. My dog-nanny job is about caring for her needs but she’s ended up nurturing mine.

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