Our Maiden Voyage


Today is the first day Bianca and I were alone together.  She looked rather dubiously at Telva this morning while she was preparing to leave. A kind of doggie look that said “You are going to leave me with HER”?! I can’t really blame her. Just today she has seen me drop the mail key in the closet. I had her harnessed up to go for a walk and she was very excited-then exasperated as she saw me crawling around on the floor. I decided to take her outside and come back later to look for the key. I’m not cruel.

The reason I decided to take her for a walk to begin with was that I couldn’t remember her word for pee. Obviously it is not pee. I was frantically trying different words on her. Tinkle? Potty? Pee Pee? Nothing worked and arm gestures weren’t getting the job done either. I knew she needed to go and didn’t want to have a repeat of the ShamWow (as effective as that was) moment so I thought of the leash which equals outside. She happily left a trail of “piddle” all around the block. I’m going to write that down. On returning I spent ten minutes emptying out the closet to find the mail key. No key. Now Bianca is REALLY starting to lose confidence in me. So was I. I decided to use my problem solving skills and look where the key might have fallen “into” something. The last item left to search was a large box of those mini bags of chips. In the very bottom was the mail key. What are the odds?

I decided to tackle the floors today. Vacuuming the carpets and cleaning the Pergo floors. I have come to realize this is a rather large freaking house. Queen Victoria said that “food tastes better in small houses”, and I’m thinking what does she consider small? I like 7-8 hundred square feet. This feels triple that. I am a simple person (not moronic) and I like five steps or less in most things. Anything more and I lose interest and don’t pay attention to directions involving the mundane. Remember all those Wal Mart-grocery store demonstrations of the Swiffer and the Jet thingy sprayer that mops floors? I ignored them. I thought they were stupid and a waste of money. If I had paid attention I would have realized there ARE only five steps or less to using them. I had to figure out on my own which of the four boxes of pads went on what tool and how I was supposed to attach them (with no directions) and it  felt like 42.  I accidently squirted Bianca while mopping and I know she is having serious doubts about who is qualified to take care of who.

I proceeded to vacuuming. That went well except that I ended up with an extra carpet runner. Bianca didn’t seem to be afraid of the vacuum. She saw it as the enemy. She barked furiously at it, but NOT at Eddie, the seven foot replica of a medieval knight in full armor in the foyer? Go figure.

I arrived here a week ago tomorrow so no more stories about household disasters. I will be fully acclimated by then. Yeah right. I’m not stupid. I know you read this to find out what stunt I pull next. My stuff arrives here Sunday and I promise to have my books read by then. Those of you who don’t know me will see I’m much better at reading and talking about books than using appliances and doing chores. I know I bonded tighter with Bi today…I know where her favorite dog biscuits are.


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